1/4 down, 3/4 remaining

Well, as it turns out the first three months of Peace Corps are not the hardest, at least not for me. You see, during that first chunk of time it’s all about settling in, getting to know people, getting to the know the community, etc. No one really expects us to work or get things down. We are just expected to get comfy.

But after that, we are expected (and I expect myself) to start accomplishing things. Believe it or not, working is a lot harder than just settling in. While settling in can be boring or lonely, working can be frustrating, exhausting, disappointing, and  demoralizing. It can also be good, but it is often really hard. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting nothing done, despite the fact that I’m plugging away. And sometimes I feel like I’m getting nothing done because I’m not working hard enough.

It will come as no surprise that I am my own worst enemy in this respect. As far as critics go, I tend to be harder on myself than anyone else, and I tend to set the bar higher for myself than anyone would. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it can lead me to play mental tricks on myself.

For example: Our volunteer leader (a third year volunteer who supports the volunteers in their sectors) came out for a visit and she told me I was doing a great job. She left, and I sat down in my living room, and felt myself suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling that I should be doing better, that I could be doing better, and that, by not doing better, I was doing a pretty crappy job. Yeah. Not exactly the best reaction to a complement.

So for me working brings an additional challenge. It’s not just doing the job (or trying to do the job while rain storms, the island pace of life, poverty/discrimination/oppression and lack of resources fight against me and my project partners), it is keeping my own expectations for myself reasonable. There are no grades to measure myself against, no boss on site to evaluate my day to day progress. It’s all up to me, and I need to learn to cut myself some slack.